I’m looking for something…

Let me know if you find it.

Oh golly, it’s a new year!!!!!11!one

I’m so tired of hearing about how super crappy 2009 was just because it’s about to be over and that 2010 is gonna be so much more amazing.

January 1st, 2010 you will wake up in your same crappy bed, in your same crappy room, living your same pathetic crappy life (and better yet, you’ll probably be hungover).

Just because the year is new doesn’t mean that you will have a new life.

…Sorry, bud.

“Resolutions” kind of bother me too.  If there is something that you really want to accomplish, why wait until 01/01 to put it into motion?  Shouldn’t you live your life each day striving to be better?  If you are so unsatisfied with the way your life is unfolding, do something about it.  Or at least try to be positive and know that eventually things will turn out how they’re supposed to.

January 1st, 2010 I will wake up in my cozy bed with the only man I will ever truly love, living a life I wouldn’t trade for anything; Not because it’s perfect by any means, but because it’s the one I work at every day.

Oh…And hopefully I will NOT be hungover ;)

A Decade Under the Influence.

you’re standing in the driveway; tears and cigarettes do no good.  you’re in my rear view mirror now and i want so bad to throw it in reverse.  it takes everything i have to keep moving forward.

just keep my foot on the gas and speed…the first 5 miles are the hardest ones.  always.  i’ve driven this same stretch a hundred times.  serenade, girvin, atlantic.  serenade, girvin, atlantic.  atlantic…i need the ocean.

the numbers turn and the mileage is increased. the farther i am from your smoke, but the further you are from my reach.

i can’t be the one that saves you.

Circa 2007

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Choke.

“We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are.  Sane or insane.  Saints or sex addicts.  Hero or victims.  Letting history tell us how good or bad we are.  Letting our past decide our future.  Or we can decide for ourselves.  And maybe it’s our job to invent something better…It’s creepy, but here we are, the Pilgrims, the crackpots of our time, trying to establish our own alternate reality.  To build a world out of rocks and chaos.  What it’s going to be , I don’t know.  Even after all that rushing around, where we’ve ended up is the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.  And maybe knowing isn’t the point.  Where we’re standing right now, in the ruins in the dark, what we build could be anything…

We are not born equal sinners, or perfect knock-offs of God. The world tells us whether we’re heroes or victims. But, we can decide for ourselves.”

Demons.

“You could never really win, not to say you’re born to lose. You were born to take 10th place out of 20 in the field. Mistakes flow through your veins in a mediocre way. Your life’s a living hell you’ve got gremlins in your blood cells and monsters in your bed. They’re haunting you again. Oh, it must be this place..At least that’s what you say.

You don’t love you anymore. Cast your demons aside; Keep them close enough to know what your running from. Soon you wont feel this anymore. Cast your demons aside; Keep them close enough to know that your moving on

The fire used to burn in your heart and in your eyes. You used to dream, you used to care, you used to love, you used to fight. For anything at all. You cover up your bedroom wall with who you want to be, now you’re afraid to be yourself.. So you search the mall for something else. You read magazines and watch MTV. You practiced it and everything. Oh, your dressed to impressed but you look like a drag queen.

You don’t love you anymore. Cast your demons aside; Keep them close enough to know what your running from. Soon you wont feel this anymore. Cast your demons aside; Keep them close enough to know that your moving on.

So keep your head up high, stretch inches into miles because Brooklyn wasn’t built in just a day. Focus on important things.  Be your own gun like every ghost that held you down was gone. Keep them close enough to know that your moving on.”

-Bayside

I feel like I could have written that just now except not as perfectly.

Long December

For her.

I have not yet come to terms with the fact that I have never and will never have someone like you in my life again. And how long has it been? I mean, the occasional emails and texts still come. But it hurts just as much as it makes me smile. I’m not really sure where to go from here. After realizing that you were the best I ever could have had. And you aren’t there anymore.

I was there when you realized who you were..So is it my fault that you didn’t like what you saw? Because I was the one who held that mirror up? I guess I could have done some things differently. Well, better I guess. I burned you one too many times I suppose. And there is no way I can take any of it back.

I guess all I want to say is goodbye. I hope you find what you are looking for. I know you will be a huge success. In whatever you do. Don’t ever doubt yourself. Do what you know is right for you. I could always see straight through you and all I ever saw was a pure love. Life sucks sometimes. But if it’s better for you this way, I’ll survive. Sorry this is so late. I just hope you know that wherever you go and whatever you do, I’ll always love you ‘til infinity.

For Monday.

I’m not what I used to be.
I’m living for this.
For right now.
For tomorrow.
Not for anybody else.
For me.
For one.
I’ve experienced the most amazing feeling.
Flesh to flesh, feeling your warmth on my face.
You’re sleeping beside me.
But I know I’m in your head.
I know that nothing can hurt me as long as I keep my eyes on the horizon.
As long as you are beside me.
I still feel like we’re driving into that amazing sunset.
Oh my God.
It’s too beautiful for words.
I wish I could describe it.
I try to capture this feeling on film.
But it’s much more incredible through my own eyes.
My heart is swelling up with something I have never known before this moment.
The hills are on fire.
It’s all out in front of us.
It seems to never end.
I’m not sure it does.

I’ve never loved so deeply.
I think I finally understand.

12/22/08

Dear Florida,

It’s 18 degrees here.  It’s 2:30pm and the sun is out.  I’m sorry for all the mean things I said about you and how I never appreciated your warm Christmas air.  I want to play Legos on the porch.  And take family Christmas pictures by the pool.  I miss driving with the windows down.  And wearing a hoodie, at the most.  I miss not having to spend 30 minutes wrapping my body up to go check the mail.  I miss hot tub nights.  I actually miss having roommates…To an extent.  I want some ocean air.

Everything is changing.  It’s so weird.  People are growing up.  People who I never expected to.  It stings.  Just a little bit.  I really haven’t prepared myself for this.  You’re right, it’s not a race.  I just think it’s weird.  Very strange.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love where I am at.  I love who I am with.  I love the snow.  I love my new “home.”  It’s just bittersweet, I guess.

Maybe I just realized that you shouldn’t take anything for granted.  Including 80 degree weather in December.

Well, I suppose that is it for now..Take care, stay warm.  Have fun without me.  I’m up north, growing up and learning how to love with everything I have, so cross your fingers for me.  See you soon.

Sincerely,

BethAnne

Scientists couldn’t fix me.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?

The Upside of Anger

“Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That’s what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It’s real, though – the fury, even when it isn’t. It can change you… turn you… mold you and shape you into something you’re not…The only upside to anger, then… is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they’re not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm.” -Popeye Wolfmeyer

This is your life.

Are you who you want to be?

Life is so short. I found out today that someone I knew from high school died. Another someone. It’s so weird to think that you can be here one second, and the next, you’re gone. I want so much more out of this life than what’s been handed to me. I just pray God will allow me to live until I can do what I’m here for.

I’m so nostalgic today. Living where my dreams were closer to reality. I thought that as life goes on they were supposed to get easier to reach, not further from your grasp. I’m not sure why or how everything got so thrown off track.

I feel so confused, and alone, and sad, and disappointed, and frustrated.

Hand me the remote, I want to fast forward.

Dreams

When I used to close my eyes, all I could see was you.

And when I finally got the courage to open them, there you were.

I’m playing for keeps.

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This is the part where I’ll admit, I’m getting what I [don't] deserve.

I don’t get many things right the first time. In fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls brought me here. And where was I before the day that I first saw your lovely face? Now I see it everyday.

And I know that I am the luckiest.

What if I’d been born fifty years before you, in a house on a street where you lived? Maybe I’d be outside as you passed on your bike..Would I know? And in a wide sea of eyes I see one pair that I recognize.

And I know that I am the luckiest.

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. Next door there’s an old man who lived to his nineties, and one day passed away in his sleep. And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days and passed away..I’m sorry, I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong.

That I know that I am the luckiest.

“The Luckiest”
Ben Folds

Circa 2006

“…we were discussing the shapes of our lives. like circles. or amoeba’s, even. life is supposed to be a line. infinitely long. straight, maybe curving, but never intersecting itself. my life is not a circle. it isn’t a line. i feel like my life is a dot. like someone accidentally dropped a pencil and the lead just happened to put a mark on the paper, and that was it. i feel like i haven’t been anywhere. and i’m not going anywhere. just here. spinning around on one foot trying to figure out which direction to head off in. an accidental dot. lame.

i’m confused and exhausted. wanting something, but unable to grasp what it is. physically aching for something, someone to come along and show me where to go. i feel like i am yelling at the top of my lungs for someone to come find me. the only problem is that no one can hear it. i can’t even hear it myself…”

I have come so far. I don’t have degrees or promotions to show for it..but I have something worth more than anything in the entire world. Happiness.

Circa 2007

it’s warm for december,
but this empty room seems cold.
you left early this morning,
taking with you my heart you stole.
i lie awake, dreading sleep,
until pure exhaustion forces me into my dreams.
but if i might stay there forever,
i pray that god will let me,
because all i feel there, it isn’t real.
and waking up brings back the sickening realization;
you aren’t here.

i replay those days and look for my mistake,
but all i did was love you.
guess i should have told you.

i wish i could rewind back the hours,
to when you left.
so that i could ask you “why,”
so that i might protest.
but life doesn’t play like a tv.
you can’t rewind and replay what you want to see.
and you can’t fast forward to where you want to be.

but today the ocean is calling me.
so if you need something, that’s where i’ll be.
but i won’t be able to save you anymore,
i’ll be underneath.

H-A-T-E.

1. When people automatically assume that pictures of little kids are automatically cuter in black and white.

2. Using the term “Bestest” to refer to a close friend.

3. “Come with.” Is it really so hard to add a two letter word to the end? Me. Us.

4. When fast food workers give you your drink but they don’t give you a straw until they give you your food.

5. When someone automatically doesn’t want to watch a movie because it’s in subtitles.

6. Grown women who are obsessed with Hello Kitty.

7. 14 year old girls who are obsessed with and want to marry my brothers.

8. Karen from The Office.

9. Pickles on chicken sandwiches.

10. How David Blaine tricked 1 million people to watch his entire program, only to see him bungee jump at the end. Yes, I’m still bitter and probably will be for years.

11. “”When people don’t realize that for your myspace quote, the quotation marks are automatically added, so they do it themselves and look completely ridiculous having a double quoted quote.”"

Iris

Wow.

I don’t even know where to start.

I’m happy. Sooooo happy. I can’t even describe it. I’ve never had something so amazing. Something that inspires me like this. I am excited to wake up everyday. It’s something to work at. To give everything I have.

I’ve realized when you find something that is worth as much as this..you have to take chances. But you wouldn’t risk it for the world. Having something you would die for. But you would never be expected to prove it. You don’t have to.

I’m ready to expose myself. I am vulnerable. But not afraid.

Every decision you make along the way makes you stronger. I’ve never really seen that more clearly than I do now. Every relationship is a stepping stone that teaches you how to make the next one more complete. Friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever. They aren’t meant to build walls. To push you deeper and deeper inside yourself until no one can see you. I’m tearing down my walls.

Naivety is beautiful.

I used to think it was a curse. To be innocent. To assume the good in everyone. But, what an unfulfilling life that is. To be bitter towards your innocence. I was. And I was incomplete…unsatisfied. I wasn’t happy.

The beauty is in loving with everything you have. Not being scared to be transparent. Giving yourself to someone that you know will understand you without having to ask. The mindset of the world today is so negative…so bitter. I wanna take it back to where it needs to be. Just live, and don’t hold back anything. It’s not worth it.

“When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.” Gotta love Pandora. No joke.

There is so much more inside of me I need to express but I don’t know how to. And I don’t have to..for the people who matter the most.

I’M NOT LOST.

I’m happy. For the first time in…For the first time.

Support me.

Don’t analyze every little thing I say or do.

Don’t make me feel awkward and out of place in my own home.

I do.

Don’t ask why I’m never home and then tell me everything I’m doing wrong.

Don’t push me away.

You’re pushing me away.

Be excited with me.

Don’t scrutinize me.

Just accept me.

We don’t believe the same things. But that’s what keeps life from being boring. If you don’t want me here, just tell me. But I wish I could open your mind. I’m not a “bad” kid. I’m not the “black sheep.” I’m a daughter. Yours. I’m not evil. Or lost. Or going down the “wrong path.” I’m doing what makes me happy. Can’t you see that? I’m not hurting anyone..except you. I don’t want to. But I can’t sugarcoat anything for you anymore. I’m done with telling you what you want to hear. I want to speak the truth, but I know I can’t without breaking your heart. I want to be yours. I want you to be proud of me. I want you to brag about me. But you won’t. I don’t want you to hurt from the truth. But feeling like I have to twist it in order to keep your love hurts me.

Just tell me what I’m supposed to do.

It’s undeniable how brilliant you are.

Man, we’re all grown up now.

It’s so weird to think you are the little one..but you aren’t anymore.

I wish I could have said this, but there’s no way I would have been able to make it through what I have to tell you without making a fool of myself..in front of all those people.

I meant what I did manage to say before my voice started to crack..You are the biggest influence in my life. I’m sorry that has to be on your shoulders. I’m supposed to be the one that YOU look up to. Not the other way around..It’s too much for a little sister. But maybe you’re stronger than me…You are. And I’m so glad for that. I hope that you know how much people live by your example. I can just tell by the people you surround yourself with. I wish I was more like you.

Now you’re headed out to the “real world.” And honestly, that scares the hell out of me. Thinking about everything I went through in that stage of my life…But then I remember; You are strong. It doesn’t matter what’s right or wrong. It’s what’s best for you..You know that, and I’m not even worried anymore.

You’re going somewhere. I don’t know where yet, and you probably don’t know where yet..But I do know that you don’t live your life for yourself. And I’m so proud of you for that. I can’t wait to be able to look back and see the trail of people in your life that you impacted. It’s gonna take forever to name them all. It’ll probably be impossible. And you might not even realize it. But I want you to know that I see it. Everyone around you sees it. Even if you don’t.

My little sister is grown up..The one who has been my best friend for eighteen and a half years. One of the only ones I can tell anything to and know she won’t judge me (You’re disappointed a lot, I know). But she will never judge me. Or call me stupid. Or ask me what I was thinking. The only one that cares enough not to. She knows that’s what I need.

I was thinking how amazing it is that we are all so close. We are all adults..but still have sleepovers. Everyone is jealous of us four. I’m glad I’m back.

I really just want you to know how much I love you. And how proud I am that you are my sister. I honestly don’t think I would be here if you weren’t for these past couple years..It’s tough, no doubt. But don’t give up. Don’t get frustrated.

And I hope you know that I’ll always be here..freakin’ always.

“You’re the only one who stuck it out last night;
The only other one who caught the other line.
You’re the only one when this world collides;
The one that i can’t deny.”

Sagittarius.

“The good news is that you are at the beginning stages of a remarkable self-transformation. The bad news is that consequently, you might be feeling confused about what you want to do today. You won’t have a lack of options, but you will have a lack of interest in any of them. It might seem odd to start off a transformation with such ambivalence, but just hang in there. It’s once you start to sort through your options that the real transformation begins.”

Are you serious?

If I don’t say this now, I will surely break.

“If I don’t say this now I will surely break.
As I’m leaving the one I want to take.
Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait.
My heart has started to separate.”

You want me to be happy. It’s all you say. I AM happy.
You want me to go experience life. I want to experience life WITH someone.
With YOU.

I know you’re hurt. I know all the walls you have built up. I know you better than I know myself sometimes. And you know me.

Where we gonna go from here?

“These days, a little bit longer than the last..
And all of your ways, a little bit stronger than the past.
And your light, found my bottle in the night,
Kept me in this fight, gave me second life.”

Am I good enough for you? Could I show you what it’s like to have someone you can trust? With your life? And even more with your heart? I’m afraid.

I want to promise you that I can be the one to prove you wrong. I want to promise that I won’t hurt you like you’ve been hurt so many times before. But can I? I know I can try with everything I have.

Can’t you see that I’m different?

“There now, steady love, so few come and don’t go.
Will you won’t you, be the one I’ll always know?
When I’m losing my control, the city spins around,
You’re the only one who knows, you slow it down.”

But am I good enough for you?
Am I pretty enough?
Smart enough?

Break my heart. If you have to. But break it now.

I wanna be the one to prove you wrong.
I wanna be the one that you know you can trust.
Can you trust me?

When I say, “I love you,” can’t you see I mean it? It feels different for me than before. For me.

You are all I have left here. You are the one thing that could stop me from leaving. You know it.
But you wouldn’t do it.
You love me.

You want me to go find what I’m looking for.
I want you to find what you’re looking for.

You don’t deserve what you have. You deserve more.
Am I more?
Maybe, maybe not.

You have to decide for yourself. You have to make the decision if you are ready to trust again.
Because I need that. I need you to trust me.

My world is spinning.

“It’s always have and never hold,
You’ve begun to feel like home.
What’s mine is yours to leave or take,
What’s mine is yours to make your own.”

I need the responsibility of holding your heart. I want it more than anything.
More than California. Way more.

I know that you know I’m here.

If you need me, I’m here. You know that.
If this isn’t what you want, I’m not going anywhere. You know that.
If you have to break my heart, I’ll still be here. You know that.
Don’t try to protect me.
Do what you have to do. Tell me what I have to hear. I’ll be here.

And, I love you. I’m 100% sincere when I say that. But, you know that.

And maybe something you don’t know, but you need to know..
You will be happy one day.
One day you will wake up and won’t hurt anymore.
And more than anything, more than anything in the entire world.. I want to be the one laying next to you on that God damn beautiful fucking day.

It’s all success if it’s what you need.

I feel completely unoriginal today.

But there is nothing I could say to better express what’s in my head.

“If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn’t change a thing.

It’s made me all of who I am inside.

And if I could thank God that I am here, and that I am alive.

And everyday I wake,
I tell myself a little harmless lie;
The whole wide world is mine.”

:D

PS It’s an amazing feeling to know you have something you would die for.

Jet Li.

I don’t really know why every time I feel like writing is a time I feel like shit.

I’m in retrograde. Again, ha. All I want to do is run. But what does that really solve? It numbs the pain for a couple weeks..but when it comes back, it hits harder than ever.

I don’t understand how you are inching your way into my heart again..maybe because a year ago we were happy. I was happy. You put me down. I took that so hard. I now find myself craving that attention..so I can boost my confidence. It never should have been wiped away in the first place. You’re an asshole. Both of you are. I still care though and that’s the worst part. I try to find comfort in places I should have never seen. I lie to myself, saying, “It’s all in good fun,” or, “I’ve gotta get it out of my system.”

California.

He’s in Texas. He says he can’t wait to see me. He can’t wait to be together. But would he still love me if he really knew me? I mean REALLY knew me..now? Doubt it.

There are a million thoughts running through my head. A million places I would rather be. And now all I want to do is cuddle up on the couch and watch kung fu movies with the only person who can cheer me up.

I hate kung fu.

Shit.

stillfightingit.

“Some people feel like they don’t deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.”

I wish you could realize how much you have to offer. You aren’t as messed up as you think. Or as you let others think. I wish you could comprehend how big the impact is that you have had on my life in this short year. Damn, it flew by, huh?

We’re a lot alike..we both need to come to the realization that it’s not our job to fix other people’s lives. We can encourage. We can help. We can be positive influences. We can’t fix it for them though. Maybe you know that already..I’m still working on it.

I take back everything I said, minus the part about how much I love you. I’m here. And when I’m not, you know you’ll still have my heart. You’re already too deep inside mine to ever escape, so deal with it. If I knew you needed me, I’d walk back if I had to. If you needed anything. If you needed me to help you take your shoes off or get you a glass of water..or if you needed me to sit on the couch with you and not even say anything. I’d fucking walk.

It kills me.

Promise me you won’t give up on yourself. Not yet. We have too far to go..too much to learn and experience. Things to see that we wouldn’t miss for the world.

I love you with everything I’ve got. I honestly don’t think I’d be here if I had never met you. Or if I was, I’d be completely lost. What’s that word for something that’s more than “love”? Pancakes.

Today is a beautiful day.

“Like soldiers, march on.”

04/05/08

Today marks the beginning.

Of the end..I think.

The end of my old life. I’m about to start brand new. A new town..a new state. And a brand new coast.

June can’t come fast enough. I have two months to get everything in place. It should be the toughest two months of my life. But I’m so ready. So bring whatever you got, I’ll take you down. Ocala isn’t for me.

And I’m excited to prove everyone wrong.

Dear California, see you soon.

Krystal Klear.

The one thing that i can’t stand:

“Kents Kar Stereo”

What the hell?  Do you know how to spell?  Or no?  It’s not clever.  It isn’t cute.  It’s the most annoying thing on the face of the planet.  So take it down.  Change the name.  Do whatever you have to do so I don’t have to throw up from disgust every day on my way to work.  Where the hell are we, Sumter County?  Oh wait…

(No offense, Leeanna.) 

But, I think there is hope for this world.

..Left my wallet in the bathroom at walmart, of all places.  It was returned to me the next day with all $246.78 cash still in it.  Maybe there still are some honest people.  And walmart, i apologize for ever doubting you.

Bowling tonight.

My heart is leaving saturday. 

Tonight is the end, but maybe there is a beginning in there somewhere.

At least now I can say that I am trying. And I hope you will forget the things I still lack.

It’s raining.

I’m happy.  Like. genuinely.  I was thinking that maybe it was the people or circumstances surrounding me at the moment that made me feel like this.  But, the more I try to figure it out, I realize that sure, the people around can bring out the better parts of life..but ultimately, it’s up to me to realize that things aren’t as bad as they might seem..

“Now is not the time to scrutinize the situation.  Just be open and accept the love that surrounds you.”

(Horoscopes freak me out sometimes.)

And I think Jack Johnson is…there are no words to describe him.  Amazing, enlightening, genius…it goes on.  Buy his new cd.

“Theres a world we’ve never seen,
Theres still hope between the dreams.
The weight of it all,
Could blow away with a breeze.
If your waitin on the wind,
Don’t forget to breathe.
Cause as the darkness gets deeper,
We’ll be sinkin as we reach for love.
At least somethin we could hold,
But I’ll reach to you from where time just cant go..”

You flipped my life is completely upsidedown.  No..I think this is how it’s supposed to be..Maybe I was just living upsidedown BEFORE and now I’m on my feet.  I’ve never smiled so much.  I’ve never made myself so vulnerable, but felt so comfortable.  I’d try to tell you how much it means to me, but it would take a lifetime.  And I think you already know.  You’re just good like that.

“If anyone could make me a better person, you could.”

 

I like your eyes wide..

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” -Dalai Lama

:)

Compassion is my thing…It just comes naturally.  And yeah, sometimes it kills me that I can’t help everybody.  But you better believe I’m gonna damn sure try.  And that’s all I need to do. 

Read “The Art of Happiness” by Dalai Lama with me.  I just read the cover and can already tell how it is going to drastically change the way I view the world.  I’m coming to the realization that happiness is completely in your own hands.  And that gets me excited.  There is no person, no circumstance, no ANYTHING can take that away from you.

It makes me feel like I can take on the world.  Join me?

A’m gunna go wahtch theee Eee-clips.

Another week.  And I feel so high.

I decided to stop holding back and go after the things I want and maybe it will make me happy.  It’s working.  I’ve never put myself out there like I have the past few days.  And it feels good. 

Last night= Lunar Eclipse with my favorite boy.  At the “beach.”  Amazing.  We got lost, but eventually ended up back in Ocala after asking directions at the same gas station in the middle of hicksville four times :)  Best night ever?  It’s likely.  Then this weekend= roadtrip with my faves to see my bros tear it up in Pensacola, Gainesville, and Jacksonville (holla!).  I’m so excited..

I’m finally crawling back out of my hole.

“Sometimes you just have to do what feels right without thinking about it.”  Thanks.

P.S. Documentary of the weekend coming soon :):):)

180 degrees.

So, this week started out to be the worst week ever.

But it’s the best ever now.

Brick city and Heine with Leeanna and her boys. Amazing.

New Friends, and Into the Wild.

Don’t even get me started :)

Leeanna’s got my back.

And this weekend = ROADTRIP.

I’m so happy I don’t even know what to do.

Do you know where your heart is?

We meet people for reasons, yeah?

You stole my heart and I took yours. But I think we lost our heads along the way. Losing everything for selfish reasons.

You were dead. And she was the one there to save you. I should have been there. It was supposed to be me that came to your rescue. She’s probably prettier than me, and smarter, and way more fun. But, I know what’s right. And how it was supposed to end up. Maybe it still will…But I think I’m finally losing my faith to regret. Maybe I would have been better off without you in my life at all? No. That’s not true. But, timing is everything. I have so much in my heart that I can’t get out in words. I wish you could understand. I wish ANYONE could understand.

I’m going down again. And I have no idea why. I feel like shit. I look like shit. I am shit.

Why doesn’t life have a rewind button?

I know, I know. I know the answer to that one. You can’t learn without trials. You can’t grow without hurt. But this fucking sucks. Maybe I just need a fast forward button. Or a crystal ball…I’m done trying to convince myself that everything is going to turn out how it’s supposed to. I’m fighting for my life, but what’s the point if it doesn’t end up how I need it to? I need proof.

It’s that feeling deep inside that makes you want to scream, but you don’t know what to say. The kind of feeling where you just want to fall asleep and live in your dreams. You don’t have to wake up; You can control what happens. You can get your happy ending. I know I’m being selfish. And immature. I just want things to be how they were.

I’m done with being hurt. So why won’t this feeling go away?

Do you think you can find it better than you had it?

Steady feet, don’t fail me now.

It’s good to get away sometimes. This weekend was…I don’t even know. There are no words to describe what all went down.
Superbowl.

Docks.

My first cock fight.  Haha, don’t even ask.

High speed… ;)

Wes, Gino, and Jason.

Haha, it was intense. Went to Jville, and G-A (holla!) Saw some old friends and made a couple new ones..

I was so happy to get out of Ocala for a little bit..but when I got home and crawled in bed, I realized that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now..That’s a good feeling :)

hate is a strong word..

I hate it when girls wear tube tops and wear those stupid bras with clear straps.  Like you can’t see them…but you…caaaann….

Cause I was tired of lying..

It’s ridiculous how many people you can surround yourself with and still feel alone.  Life sucks sometimes.

It’s ridiculous how opposite my life is than I expected it to be.  If you would have asked me what kind of person I wanted to be in two years when I was graduating highschool, I would have described the exact opposite of who I am today.

College failure.  Relationship fuckup.  Selfish. Worst “best friend” ever.  Alcoholic.  Slut.  Inconsiderate.

 Life sucks sometimes.

It’s pretty ridiculous how you can fake yourself into being happy for months and then one day realize it was all just a dream.  You weren’t truly happy.  And it isn’t anyones fault.  Life freaking sucks sometimes.

It’s kind of ridiculous what it takes to realize who your true friends are.  They’re the kind of people who would take you in when you have nowhere to go.  Even when you barely even know them.  Man, life sucked..or so I thought.

It’s also pretty damn ridiculous how I can sit here and list off a million negative things when I have so much to be thankful for.

Life still sucks most of the time, and it will keep on sucking until the day I die.  But I guess that’s what makes things interesting.  And the hard times are the times you learn the most.  Sure, I’m a lot different than I thought I was going to turn out to be..but, I’m also a lot stronger.  And a lot braver.  And I know that I don’t have to give up just yet.

“Keep fighting.”

the sky is falling; don’t look outside the window.

So, it’s interesting how things work out. The past week has been so weird. The past few days have been so weird. But, it’s whatever. I’m learning my boundaries.

I’m the kind of person who feels the need to fix people. I can look back at past relationships, friends and more than friends, where for some reason I was attracted to the fact that I could fix them. There was always something wrong, broken hearts, broken family, broken something..and I was gonna be the one to make everything better. Even now, I can see how some of my relationships seem to grow based on my hope of making someone better..which isn’t necessarily a bad thing..but it can’t be what the connection is based on. I can’t help but to ache for the people that are hurting and long to be the one that turns it all around..it gets me attached too easily. I fall too fast. Not into love as in boyfriend/girlfriend..but the kind of love where I would give up anything for that person. And most of the time, this is a one way feeling.

And the worst part: No matter how hard I try, I can’t fix anyone.

I’m disappointed every time I reach that realization. No matter how many times I go around and around that circle of meeting someone new, figuring out their flaws, and then trying to correct them.

Damn, this hurts.

Realizing.

I just kind of fell in.

I was standing too close to the edge.  No matter how many times I convinced myself it was too dangerous, I just wanted to get a little closer.  All I wanted to do was catch a glimpse of the view; To get just one split-second of that feeling you get when you’re on the brink of something great.  One split-second of the breathlessness.  Just one second.  But upon catching a glance at the beautiful horizon, my young and naive mind got swept away in a whirlwind of unrealistic (or so I thought) romances.  And yet, once taking that first step off the edge, I knew the difference between fiction and reality, and I let the oppurtunity of grabbing onto the ledge pass and completely surrendered to the fate I had chosen for myself.  Gravity was pulling me, but I was weightless.  Despite the feelings of fear and anxiety, I smiled.

Fight for love or you’ll break your own heart.

I’m not done.

“being adult enough to have roommates” night.

Went to brick city last night..In the dark. Thank God Johnnyswatteam was there is all I have to say. We climbed down into the bottomless pit and managed to come out alive.. and saw only one alien.. I love my boys..and Leanna too! :)

juno.

Pretty good movie..go see it.

And on top of every witty one-liner that could possibly come from the socially awkward situation of unwanted teen pregnancy, one quote stood out to me.

Good ol’ Mac Macguff…

“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to find a person who loves you for exactly who you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think that the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

P.S. Every teenage girl who wears striped stockings and thinks it’s “rebellious” to ride in a shopping cart at walmart, look out. I want to kill you. If you aren’t old enough to drive, you shouldn’t be allowed outside your own house. With the exception of school so maybe you can get your awkwardly annoying years out of your system and maybe make something of yourself. I also hate it when parents brag about their “star” 8th grade son in honors classes. Come on. Step outside your safe little bubble for one freaking second and realize that he’s not going to college and he’s not going to become a doctor and make you all proud. He’s going to end up drinking his life away in good old Ocala. I mean, look at me. :)

untitled.

It’s strange to think that a quarter of my life is gone.

No re-do’s, no mulligans, no second chances.

Take what you’ve learned and make something of yourself.

Do what you love.

Do what makes you happy.

Truly believe that everything will turn out how it’s meant to.

Never stand still.

“Do something everyday that scares you.”